Lollo's Stag Say

OLD ROYALIST (MELBOURNE) STAG DINNER SPEECH - Sep 2008

by E LORENSZ PEREIRA

I AM DELIGHTED THAT BRIAN (LIEVERSZ) IS SPEAKING TONIGHT.
I HEARD HIM RECENTLY SPEAK AT THE ROYAL RUGBY STAG DINNER IN COLOMBO IN JUNE THIS YEAR.

IT WAS TERRIFIC AND HIGHLY ACLAIMED AND WIDELY ACKNOWLEDGED AS ONE OF THE BEST TOASTS GIVEN AT THE STAG DINNER.

SO, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANOTHER SPEAKER TONIGHT?
DAMN GOOD QUESTION.

LET ME TELL YOU OF THE SAGA OF HOW I GOT HERE.

IT IS TOTALLY ATTRIBUTED TO THE EXCEPTIONAL SALES SKILLS OF ONE OF YOU GUYS.

HE HAS TO BE THE SUPREMO OF ALL SALESMEN, THE CHAP WHO SELLS ICE TO THE ESKIMOS.

FOR NEARLY SIX MONTHS THIS CHAP CONTINUOUSLY PESTERED, PERSUADED, HARRSSED AND TORMENTED ME TO SPEAK AT THIS DINNER TONIGHT.

FOR NEARLY SIX MONTHS I KEPT GIVING HIM AN EMPHATIC REFUSAL.
YET, HERE AM I SPEAKING TO YOU TONIGHT. I MUST BE WEAK AS PISS.

HIS NAME IS SURAJ JAYAWICKRAMA, ONE OF OUR RECENT PRESIDENTS.

FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS, HE WAS OMNI PRESENT.

UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, WE CAUGHT THE TRAIN TO WORK FROM THE SAME STATION.

I TRIED EVERY PLOY TO AVOID MEETING THIS GUY EACH MORNING.
CAUGHT DIFFERENT TRAINS, CHANGED COMPARTMENTS, BUT THERE HE WAS WHENEVER I LOOKED UP, WITH NO WORDS EXCHANGED, BUT THE SWEETEST OF GRINS, A SORT OF SMILING ASSASIN, CONVEYING A MEAN MESSAGE OF WHAT WAS REQUIRED OF ME.

INDEED A RIGHT ROYAL STALKER.
PROVES PERSEVERANCE PAYS.

INSPITE OF ALL THESE GOINGS ON, I MUST ADMIT THAT I CONSIDER MYSELF EXTREMELY PRIVILEDGED AND HONOURED TO STAND BEFORE YOU TONIGHT TO SAY A FEW WORDS AT THIS OLD ROYALISTS STAG DINNER, WHICH SORT OF SAW ITS BEGINNINGS IN A CONVERSATION BETWEEN GEORGE FERNANDO AND MYSELF ON A TRAIN JOURNEY FROM WORK, SOME 25 YEARS AGO.

SO TONIGHT HAS SOME SPECIAL APPEAL TO ME.

IN RESPECT TO A TOPIC FOR TONIGHT, I DID REPEATEDLY CONFESS TO SURAJ, THAT I HAD EXHAUSTED MY INSPIRATION AND THAT 1 WAS TRULY UNABLE TO FIND A TOPIC THAT I COULD SPEAK PASSIONATELY ABOUT AND DO JUSTICE TO THIS OCCASION.

"SPEAK ON ANYTHING", HE SAID.

THAT GAVE ME SOME ENCOURAGEMENT, AS I HAVE THIS REPUTATION FOR TALKING A LOT OF BULL.

HOWEVER, TO GET EVEN WITH THIS GUY, BUT REGRETABLY AT YOUR EXPENSE, AND I DO SINCERELY APOLOGISE FOR THAT, I HAVE DECIDED TO SPEAK ON SOMETHING VERY DULL, BORING AND SOMEWHAT EGOISTICAL.

SORRY GUYS, BLAME IT ON SURAJ.

I AM GOING TO SPEAK ABOUT MYSELF.

2008 HAS BEEN AN EXCEPTIONALLY SIGNIFICANT AND NOSTALGIC SPORTING YEAR FOR ME.

FIFTY YEARS AGO, IN 1958, TWO MAJOR SPORTING CONTESTS AT ROYAL, DRAMATICALLY INFLUENCED MY LIFE.

FIRSTLY, IN 1958, I CAPTAINED ROYAL AGAINST ST. THOMAS, CAPTAINED BY MY VERY DEAR FRIEND MIKE TISSERA.

IN MY OPINION, MIKE IS PROBABLY THE FINEST ALLROUND CRICKETER, BOTH ON AND OFF THE FIELD, - AS A PLAYER, CAPTAIN AND ADMINISTRATOR, PRODUCED BY SRI LANKA.

TO MARK THE OCCASION, A JOINT CELEBRATORY DINNER WAS HELD AT THE COLOMBO GOLF CLUB, JUST PRIOR TO THE BIG MATCH.
MIKE'S AND MY TEAM MEMBERS FROM ALL PARTS OF THE GLOBE TURNED UP.

IT WAS A SENSATIONAL CELEBRATION OF WHAT TRUE SPORTSMANSHIP SHOULD BE ALL ABOUT.

CRICKETERS WHO WERE BITTER FOES AND RIVALS ON FIELD ONE DAY, BECOMING BOSUM AND INTIMATE LIFE LONG FRIENDS OFF FIELD THE NEXT.

SUCH A CIVILISED SPORTING PHENOMENON COULD ONLY HAVE OCCURRED BETWEEN ROYAL AND ST THOMAS OF COURSE, THERE ARE OBVIOUS CULTURAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE TWO SCHOOLS.
FOR INSTANCE, OBSERVING THE THOMIANS WALKING INTO DINNER THAT NIGHT, I NOTED A DISTINCT AIR OF CONFIDENCE IN THEIR MANNERISMS AND A SUBTLE TOUCH OF ARISTOCRATIC SUPERIORITY - AS IF THEY OWNED THE PLACE.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I LOOKED AT MY TEAM MEMBERS, AT BANDU, PERA, THE TWO SARATHS, RK AND OTHERS AND THEY SEEMED TO BE GOING ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS NOT CARING A DAMN AS TO WHO THE BLOODY HELL OWNED THE PLACE.

I THINK YOU GENTLEMEN CAN RELATE TO THAT. WE, ROYALISTS, SEEM TO HAVE THIS SORT OF YAKKO, DARE DEVIL SPIRIT IN US, - A MOST PRAGMATIC PHILOSOPHICAL ATTITUDE TO LIFE.

HOWEVER, THERE HAVE BEEN SOME COMMON INFLUENCES LIKE WHEN THE WARDEN OF ST THOMAS'S, CANNON DE SARAM, INVITED MY FATHER, A STAUNCH ROYALIST, TO BECOME A MEMBER OF THE BOARD OF ST THOMAS'S.

WARDEN DE SARAM'S INVITE STATED, "I WANT TO IMPORT SOME ROYAL CULTURE INTO ST THOMAS'S" - INDEED A VERY VISIONARY WARDEN.

MIKE TISSERA AND I ARE THE CLOSEST OF FRIENDS, BUT IN OUR YOUTH WE WERE FIERCE OPPONENTS, BOTH ON AND OFF THE FIELD.

WE WERE CHASING THE SAME GIRL. LETS CALL HER BRIDGET, BECAUSE SHE WAS AS BEAUTIFUL AND SEXY AS THE REAL BRIDGET BARDOT. SHE WAS JUST OOZING WITH SEX APPEAL.

I HAVE NEVER COME ACROSS A FEMALE SINCE THEN WITH THE SAME DYNAMIC EROTICISCM AND SENSUALLY APPETISING LIPS.
I CALLED IT, "THE COME AND F@#$ ME LOOK".
JUST PICTURE THIS SETTING.

BRIDGET, MIKE AND I ARE AT SINHALESE TUITION FOR OUR SSC EXAM.
THE TUTOR IS MIKE'S UNCLE, UNCLE RUFUS, - A TRULY LOVELY MILD MANNERED GENTLEMAN.

HOWEVER, UNCLE RUFUS SUFFERS BADLY FROM VERBAL DIARRHOEA. HE JUST RATTLES ALONG FOR THE HOUR, IN HIS LITTLE WORLD, QUITE OBLIVIOUS THAT THE THREE OF US ARE THERE, PACKED LIKE SARDINES IN HIS LITTLE STUDY.

IN OUR WORLD, BRIDGET IS EXPLOITING HER SENSUALITY, RUBBING HER EXPOSED HOT THIGHS AGAINST MIKE'S AND MINE, AROUSING OUR PASSIONS, AND DRIVING MIKE AND I TO DESPAIR.

SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF ALL PRICK TEASERS.

I GET AN ERECTION.

BRIDGET KNOWS IT AND KEEPS ROTATING THOSE SENSUAL LIPS AS IF SHE IS GOBBLING IT WITH UTMOST DELIGHT.

ABSOLUTELY AGONISING.

I AM TRYING DESPERATELY NOT TO HAVE A REMOTELY INDUCED ORGASM.

NOT SURE WHAT MIKE IS GOING THROUGH, ALTHOUGH HIS LEGS ARE CROSSED.

SSC RESULTS ARRIVE AND BETWEEN THE THREE OF US, WE CANT MUSTER FIFTY MARKS.

BRIDGET IS UNABLE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MIKE AND ME. NOT SURPRISING AS MIKE AND I WERE THE CREME DE LA CREME OF COLOMBO SPORTING YOUTH, AT THE TIME, AND DAMN HANDSOME AS WELL.

WE ARE SOON PICKED UP ELSEWHERE.

WHAT WAS MY SINGLE MOST SATISFYING ACHIEVEMENT AS A CRICKETER AND A CAPTAIN?

UNDOUBTEDLY IT WAS MY EFFORTS AT GETTING SAHABANDU TO OPEN BOWLING FOR ROYAL AGAINST ST. THOMAS'S.
WHEN BANDU CAME TO US IN 1958, HE WAS A PATHETIC LOOKING SPECMEN OF A HUMAN BEING.

THIN AND LIFELESS AS A SAGGING REED, BLOWN BY THE SLIGHTEST OF BREEZES, A NIGHTMARE TO ANY FIELDING CAPTAIN.

I USED TO SET HIM AT WIDE THIRD MAN AT THE START OF AN OVER, ONLY TO FIND HIM AIMLESSLY LOITERING IN HIS OWN LITTLE WORLD, AT THE END OF THE OVER, AT FINE LEG.

HOWEVER, AS A LEFT ARM BOWLER HE COULD SWING THE BALL EITHER WAY, QUITE APPRECIABLY.

BUT, HE WAS LITERALLY A SPASTIC AFTER TWO OVERS. SOMETHING DRASTIC HAD TO BE DONE.

BANDU LIVED DOWN CHARLEMONT ROAD, NEAR THE KINROSS CLUB/ WADIYA RESTAURANT BEACH.

I DECIDED TO TAKE HIM AT THE CRACK 0F DAWN, MOST MORNINGS, FOR SOME BEACH THERAPY.

CERTAINLY NOT FOR A JOG, NOR EVEN A BRISK WALK FOR I WOULD HAVE HAD TO CARRY BACK A CORPSE.

IT WAS MORE AKIN TO A LOVER'S MOONLIGHT STROLL. OFTEN, I HAD TO HOLD HIS HAND AND PULL HIM ALONG.

ONLOOKERS WOULD NOT HAVE HESITATED TO THINK THAT
WE WERE A PAIR OF BLOODY PUFTERS.

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, BANDU WAS A VEGETARIAN, SURVIVING ON A DIET OF POL SAMBOL, MALLUM AND PARIPPU.

TOTALLY INADEQUATE FOR TWO DAYS OF CRICKET AND BEING AN OPENING BOWLER.

SO, I ARRANGED WITH MY PAL, NADE, WHO OWNED THIS KOPI KADE AT THE TOP OF HIGH STREET AND GALLE ROAD, WELLAWATTE TO PREPARE AN "EGG FLIP", - COFFEE WITH RAW EGGS, FOR BANDU AFTER OUR PUFTER'S STROLL.

THE FIRST TIME HE TOOK A MOUTHFUL, HE IMMEDIATELY SPAT IT OUT AND ON TO THIS WEIGHT LIFTER/WRESTLER LOOKING GUY PEAEFULLY ENJOYING HIS MORNING BREAKFAST OF DOSAI, DRESSED IN A CLEAN WHITE SHIRT, ON HIS WAY TO WORK.

WHAT A HORRIBLY DISGUSTING MESS IT WAS WITH ALL THESE PIECES OF RAW EGG SCATTERED OVER THIS GUYS HEAD AND WHITE SHIRT.
A BLOODY DISASTER WAS AVERTED BY THE TIMELY INTERVENTION OF NADE, A BIG GUY HIMSELF.

IN DESPERATION I PLEADED WITH BANDU THAT THIS WAS THE MOST EXPENSIVE COFFEE IN THE WORLD, IMPORTED FROM PERU.
THE INCA MEN WHO LIVED ON IT WERE THE MOST VIRILE EVER.
THEY POSSESSED A PERMANENT STIFF.

WHATS A STIFF, LORENSZ?

BANDU, A BLOODY ERECTION.

BANDU BECAME A FREQUENT VISITOR TO THE KOPI KADE.

HE WENT ON TO OPEN BOWLING FOR ROYAL AGAINST ST THOMAS'S THAT YEAR AND BAGGED FIVE WICKETS.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, HE WENT ON TO PLAY FOR SRI LANKA IN SIX UNOFFICIAL TESTS.

FIFTY YEARS AGO ROYAL WON BACK THE BRADBY AFTER A LAPSE OF 7 YEARS.

WE HAD A CELEBRATION DINNER, AGAIN, AT THE COLOMBO GOLF CLUB IN JUNE THIS YEAR TO MARK THAT MEMORABLE WIN.

I WAS A MEMBER OF THAT FAMOUS TEAM THAT INCLUDED KEN BALENDRA AND ROTI SIVARATNAM WHO WENT ON TO BECOME CHAIRMEN OF JOHN KEELS AND AITKEN SPENCE, RESPECTIVELY.

THE '58 BRADBY IS ALSO FAMOUS FOR A UNIQUE TRY THAT WAS SCORED BY ROYAL.

BEST DESCRIBED BY OUR FAMOUS RUGBY MASTER, MR THAMBAPILLAI, IN THE SCHOOL MAGAZINE, AS FOLLOWS:

THE INCIDENT TOOK PLACE JUST INSIDE THE TRINITY HALF, NEAR THE RIGHT TOUCH LINE. I SAW THE BALL GOING DOWN THE LINE. IT WAS A LIGHTENING MOVEMENT WITH EACH PLAYER DRAWING HIS OPPOSITE NUMBER.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE FLASHES OF GENIUS IN THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE. NEVER HAVE I IN ALL MY LIFE SEEN SUCH A TRY SCORED IN A MATCH IN CEYLON OR ANY PART OF THE WORLD; THE RIGHT WING THREE QUARTER THROWING THE BALL IN A LINE OUT AND FLASHING ACROSS TO JOIN THE MOVEMENT AND SCORE A TRY.

IT WAS A CLASSIC CASE OF BEING AT THE WRONG PLACE, - BUT AT THE RIGHT TIME.

I WOULD NOW LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO PAY MY RESPECTS AND TRIBUTE TO MY VERY DEAR LIFE LONG FRIEND, BROTHER –IN- LAW AND RUGBY CAPTAIN, ROTI – INDEED A MOST NOBLE ROYALIST.
ROTI PASSED AWAY A FEW WEEKS BACK.

I SHALL READ TO YOU A BRIEF EXTRACT OF AN EXCELLENT APPRECIATION BY HIS VERY DEAR FRIEND AND BUSINESS OPPONENT, KEN BALENDRA:

HIS CAREER AT AITKEN SPENCE IS LEGENDARY. HIS STINT AS CHAIRMAN AND CEO OF THE BLUE CHIP IS WIDELY RECOGNISED AS ONE OF THE MAJOR CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE SUCCESS OF THE FIRM.
ROTI WAS HUMBLE, CHARMING, GENEROUS AND A GREAT FRIEND TO MANY. HE WAS HONEST TO A FAULT AND WAS RESPECTED FOR THIS. HIS COMMITMENT, EFFICIENCY AND LEADERSHIP QUALITIES WERE UNQUESTIONABLE. HIS SUPPORT FOR HIS FRIENDS WAS HARD TO MATCH.

I ONCE ASKED HIM AS TO HOW HE CAME TO BE NICKNAMED "ROTI".
AT JUNIOR SCHOOL, HIS CLASS MASTER ASKED EACH STUDENT WHAT EACH HAD HAD FOR BREAKFAST THAT MORNING.

THE GENERAL ANSWERS WERE "BACON AND EGGS" AND OTHER WESTERN MENUS, BUT WHEN IT CAME TO RATNA, HE UNHESITATINGLY SAID "ROTI" AND THE NICKNAME "ROTI" STUCK WITH HIM EVER SINCE.

ROTI AND I HEADED TWO OF THE LARGEST COMPANIES IN TOURISM IN LANKA. WE WERE COMPETITORS WITH NO QUARTER ASKED AND NONE GIVEN. NEVERTHELESS, WE WERE THE CLOSEST OF FRIENDS AND THIS WAS AN ENIGMA TO OUR RESPECTIVE ASSISTANTS – BUT THAT WAS ROTI. COMPETE: YES – BUT NOT AT THE COST OF A LONG AND CLOSE FRIENDSHIP.

THOSE MAGNIFICIENT WORDS FROM KEN, GLORIFIES TO ME WHAT IT IS TO BE A ROYALIST.

PLEASE DO GIVE THESE WORDS YOUR UTMOST CONSIDERATION.

I REMEMBER SO VIVIDLY HOW ROTI LITERALLY KIDNAPPED ME, ON HIS BIKE, FROM THE TENNIS COURTS AT COLLEGE ONE EVENING, AND THRUST ME INTO THE BOAKE HOUSE RUGBY TEAM THAT WAS DESPERATELY short of numbers for a house finals.

Roti was captain of boake and royal that year.

AT THE TIME, I HAD NEVER SEEN A RUGBY GAME NOR KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT RUGBY.

ROTI'S COMFORTING WORDS WERE, THAT ALL I HAD TO DO WAS TO MERELY THROW THE BALL IN.

THAT TOOK MY FANCY, AS I BOASTED A GOOD THROW FROM COVER POINT AND CONSIDERED THAT PLAYING RUGBY COULD NOT BE THAT DIFFICULT AT ALL.

However, what petrified me was the ride on the bar of Roti's bike at the time, i was a much FANCIED cabbage, so sexy that my father pet named me "lollo" after the gorgeous sexy italian actress of the time, Gina Lolobrigida.

My old friends still call me "lollo", although, SADLY, the association with sex appeal has somewhat diminished.

On the other hand, Roti had this ALLEGED, i strongly stress alleged, reputation for liking boys.

Whilst doubling, he seemed to get closer and closer, with his thighs pressing ever tighter against mine and his arms attempting to cuddle me as if I WAS A NEW BORN BABY.

ALL SORTS OF WEIRD AND FEARFUL THOUGHTS WENT THROUGH MY MIND.

I THOUGHT THAT THE BASTARD WAS GOING TO TAKE ME ROUND THE CORNER AND RAPE ME.

I SCORED 2 TRIES THAT EVENING AND, IMPORTANTLY, WAS NOT MOLESTED. ROTI AND I WENT ON TO MARRY TWO SISTERS.

THAT RIDE ON ROTI'S BIKE, SOME 50 YEARS AGO CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER BEING INTRODUCED TO THE GAME OF THE GODS, RUGBY, WHICH OPENED SO MANY NEW AND EXCITING FRONTIERS FOR ME.

FINALLY, WHAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST SIGNIFICANT LESSON THAT SPORT TAUGHT ME.

UNDOUDETDLY, TIMING.

BEING AT the RIGHT PLACE, OR FOR THAT MATTER EVEN AT THE WRONG PLACE, - BUT AT THE RIGHT TIME.

FOR ME, MOST IMPORTANTLY, BEING AT ROYAL, - AT THAT TIME.
JUST A WORD OF WARNING TO ALL YOU MARRIED GUYS; - WHO MAY HAPPEN TO BE AT THE WRONG PLACE, AT THE WRONG TIME.

That's WHEN YOUR WIFE CATCHES YOU DOING SOME SPLENDID PLEASURABLE PUSH UPS, - ON SOMEONE ELSE'S BED.
SO IN CLOSING I SAY:

CHOOSE YOUR TIMING, - CEASE THE OPPORTUNITY.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.